The thing about life experiences is they can make or break you. All of us will experience something bad at some point which will change our lives forever.
Lately I’ve been feeling pretty shit. I also recently found copies of all my old psychiatric notes, which I’ve been reflecting upon. I read the report of my initial assessment from camhs years ago and honestly feels like I’m reading about a completely different person. It discussed my self harm, disordered eating and deep depression. It also discussed things I was never aware of until now. How I had very poor eye contact and showed inappropriate body language and tone of voice for the things I discussed and how I appeared as someone far younger than my age. It felt so unusual reading these things about myself.
A bit further along and you get to my first hospital admission.. then the second and third. It discussed the assessments and reasons for my discharges failed. I suddenly felt this horror again what it was like going back into an abusive home and how I would do anything to escape and just how incredibly depressed I was at this time. How I could of done anything because I did not care if I was dead or alive. I also learnt from these notes my first ever psychiatric diagnosis ‘F33.2’ also known as severe major depressive disorder. So much has changed since then and I am such a different person.
That’s where the make and break comes in. All these experiences can make you strong and passionate or just break you on the inside. And I think I’ve discovered I’m both. I think I am a strong person who is passionate about change and helping people. But I’m also broken inside. Despite all I’ve achieved, particularly academically and in my career, I’ve never been able to have a long term relationship or even get closer than a certain level to anyone. While my career is developing well, I fear I will never have a fulfilling personal life and always feel sad and alone living in my little dream world. I feel this may be due to the fact I just can never see myself as being loveable and would never be able to believe anyone otherwise.
So the sad thing is as I lie here, I feel I should be grateful. For I have worked at getting many good things in my life. But yet I feel so sad and occasionally thoughts of suicide come into my head. Although it’s something I know I wouldn’t do – right now at least, but always have in the back of my head the possibility of it one day crashing down again. And I just want to be happy and loved and like I am no longer running from my old life.
So I think my life experiences have made and broke me at the same time. I mean is anything ever simple?! I hope my writing will make me feel a little more at peace at least for now, as I have come to know and accept things as they are, although some days that just isn’t enough.